This weekend, my husband and I had many challenges that truly tested us in our faith, responses, and trust of the Lord. What I discovered about myself was that there are areas that I have no problem trusting God and building up my faith knowing that He will meet that need for me. But there are also areas that I feel that I can't let go of or that I should try to "fix" myself. It's not that I don't want to bother God, but more that I feel like I screwed up somewhere so I should be the one to correct the issue. Isn't that how many of us feel at times or am I the only one?
I was listening to a wonderful foundational teaching by Derek Prince (Laying the Foundation on YouTube). He summed up three things that we should desire to pray over ourselves and they were all good. But that last one really got me. They are:
Pray to desire not to be esteemed
Pray to desire not to be secure
Pray to desire not to be in control
My tendencies are to control everything in my life, my kids' lives and as much of it as I can. I don't know when I got to be like that, though. I also struggle with the notion of desiring not to be secure. After all, isn't that what we all want? A secure home, job security, financial security, security in our relationships? In our church these three practices have been summed up this way:
I had to take a serious look at that and who I am and who God made me to be. He didn't MAKE me need the approval of others. Though that is one area I seem to not have issue with. He also didn't MAKE me in need of any other security than resting in Him! And finally, He didn't MAKE me the one in control in the first place. Derek Prince goes on to say that the essence of sin is a refusal to depend on God. I am willing to depend on Him, but I have to put faith and action behind my statement or it's just words.
When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I gave up the right to live my life the way I wanted to and chose instead His will for my life. And His will is what we would choose for ourselves, if we could see what He sees and if we knew what He knows about the big pictures of our lives. It's like our children...they don't have to try to make dinner as toddlers. They know we will provide that for them. They don't have to get jobs as preschoolers or elementary aged children. They know that their parents are taking care of them. Oh, that I would have that same trust and faith in the Lord!
He is the author of our stories! He knows the beginning from the end. He knows the quirky twists our lives will take and He has a planned ending for us, too. Our job, much like an actor, is to take cues from the director: stand here, say this, go there, find this, do this job.
And so with me and my struggles with wanting (not NEEDING) to be secure and to be in control go against the director's plans. I have to give that up knowing He knows best and has already created the best possible life for me if I will just give up my needs and be willing!